For the uninitiated, flying appears like an escape from a dull life trapped by the confines of gravity. In reality, unless you are traveling on business class, seats on economy are usually tight, food is rarely appealing and you only have a choice of two per meal, and the toilets can feel like public toilets in a crowded shopping mall after a meal is served. And if luck isn’t with you, chances are you will be in for a bumpy ride. On board entertainment can also be a drag particularly if you are riding one of the older airplanes.

There really isn’t much to laugh or be happy about when you fly on most American or European airlines. Occasionally the service you get on some of the better equipped Asian airlines are tolerable but for the most part, flying – especially long-haul – is a pain.

So when a friend sent me an email with with some notable comments made by flight crews during actual flights, I thought I’d share this with you.

Airline Cabin Announcements: All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight ‘safety lecture’ and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
PAL beats them all!

On a Continental Flight with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’

‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.’

‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.’

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis , a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’

We’re now preparing to land at San Francisco International Airport . Kindly straighten up your seats, turn off all electronic gadgets, pull up your window shades and buckle up for safety. We hope you enjoyed flying with us as much as we did.
Sa wikang atin po, tayo po ay papalapag na sa paliparang pangkalawakang internasyonal ng San Francisco . Paalala po lamang sa ating mga kababayan — ang mga unan, kumot, headset at iba pang kagamitan sa eroplano ay di po kasama sa pasalubong. Huwag po lamang baklasin ang LCD-TV na nakadikit sa silya.

And while we are on the subject of cabin crew announcements, airlines continue to experiment for ways to make the same old boring pre-flight announcements more entertaining so that people actually listen to them. So far I’ve not experienced one that is worth listening into except maybe this one…